SomethinSpecial
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« on: June 15, 2007, 06:33:50 PM » |
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We have all seen people dressed up in different costumes. Maybe for a play, a party, or some other event. In a sense, we all have our own costume or mask that we hide behind. We build up walls and create masks so that those around us don’t see the real us. We pretend to be someone that deep down we know we aren’t. We hide behind masks because sometime in life someone has said or done something to hurt us. Sometimes its because there is sin or something we are embarrassed about that we are afraid those close to us will find out about. We want people to believe that we are “ok” but deep down inside we are hurting and are at the end of our ropes. We bury feelings of pain, guilt, anger, and fear sometimes for many years until something triggers those memories and emotions and brings it all out in the open. We may hide behind a mask because we are afraid of what people will think of us. We are afraid those we love the most will desert us if they knew our deep, ugly secrets.
I wore a mask for years because I was afraid of what my family and friends would think of me and even more what God would think of me. I was afraid that if they knew the truth, they wouldn’t want me to be a part of their lives. I knew I couldn’t hide from God, but I was sure that what I had done was beyond the reach of God’s forgiveness. I was sure I was unlovable, even to God.
But God loved me before I ever loved Him. He is the one who initiated our relationship. God did not wait for me to clean up my act so that He could love me. He did not care that I was a rotten person with all kinds of emotional baggage and bad habits. He was not waiting for a perfect person to come along. He just accepted me right where I was at.
I had been raised in a christian home where we went to church 3 times a week. I went to a christian high school where I was taught about God everyday. But to me, religion seemed more about rules and do’s and don’ts then it did having to do with a relationship with Jesus. On the outside, I said the right words and did the right things. Everyone just assumed I was a believer and if anyone happened to ask, I would say that I was. I didn’t want to hear what I already knew.
After graduation, my sister and I moved out and lived together. I stopped going to church and began doing all the things I had never been allowed to do. Because of the wrong choices I had made, I would come to have two abortions. I was afraid and was easily convinced that I couldn’t financially raise a child on my own. When I became pregnant the second time, I convinced myself the only way to protect my baby from an abusive father was to have another abortion.
I had reached the end of my rope. I was devastated by my decision and began to drink more trying to bury the pain. . I didn’t know who to turn to. So I did an internet search on post abortion and found Safe Haven, a christian website for the post-abortive with message boards and a chat room. In the chat room, I was shown unconditional love and support. I heard about Jesus dying for me and my sin. But this time, I didn’t run from it. The women there told me that Jesus loved me the way I was, that I didn’t need to change before I came to Him, but that He would change me from the inside out. I was hesitant at first because I didn’t want to follow a bunch of rules. But these people were different. Through their conversations, care and support they showed me the love of Jesus. Early in March of 2004, I asked Jesus to be my Savior.
I kept in contact often with the friends I had made through the Safe Haven website. They consistently encouraged me to go to a crisis pregnancy center in my area to talk to someone about the things I was going through. But meeting someone face to face totally freaked me out. One of the moderators asked if she could call a center for me. So thinking that she wouldn’t actually do it, I agreed. She called the Pregnancy Care Center in Niles. Jane, one of the counselors, called me at home a short time later. Jane told me a little about her own story and scheduled an appointment for me.
As the day of my appointment approached, I grew more nervous and afraid to go. I was sure that meeting someone face to face would bring anger and judgement. I was sure that they would hate me for what I had done. But that first time when I walked into the center, those things never happened. Instead, I was loved and I knew they were praying for me. I met with Jane in the following weeks and together we went through the bible study called “Forgiven and Set Free”. It wasn’t easy, but slowly and surely God began to use Jane and the Pregnancy Care Center to show me just how much He loved me and that He really had forgiven me for everything, even my abortions.
The first time I had ever shared my testimony with someone face to face, outside of my counselor at the Pregnancy Care Center, was with my pastor. I had just started going there to church and had made an appointment to talk to him. I was planning to talk to him about one specific issue. I wasn’t planning to talk about anything else. During the conversation, Pastor asked me how long I had been a christian. When I told him about a year, he had a big smile on his face. He asked me to share with him how that had happened. I knew that sharing with this man would open up a lot more than I had bargained for. I was sure if I told him about my abortions, he would be angry. Instead, he told me God had forgiven me and loved me and that my two children were in heaven with Jesus. Pastor has helped me through the struggles and has encouraged me to grow spiritually and become more like Christ.
I began volunteering at the center and signed up for the volunteer training class they had. I had never planned to share about my past with a group. But there were only a few weeks left in the training class when Tammy asked us to be ready to give our testimonies in two weeks. I panicked. After class I asked Tammy if everyone had to give their testimony to which she told me no. I was relieved, because there was no way I was going to share with people I barely knew. Over the next few days, God began to change my heart. I wrote out my testimony during that 2 weeks “just in case”. That night came and people began to share. Nobody else in the group that night had ever experienced an abortion. I argued with God. “How do you really expect me to share this stuff? Nobody else here has ever had an abortion. What are they going to think?” But I did share my testimony that night and it was received with love and grace.
I thought for sure I was finished talking about my past and nobody else had to ever know. Jane asked me to go on a DeColores retreat with her. She didn’t tell me a lot about the weekend, but I figured, “Hey, what could be bad about spending a weekend with Jane?” The weekend was incredible. All weekend during the sessions, we had been given assigned seats. There were four other women at my table. Saturday afternoon we were to go to a quiet area and spend time together talking and praying. They said we could share anything we wanted to. I had no clue what I was going to say until the other women began sharing. No one talked about abortion, but they all had their share of circumstances they had been involved with or bad situations they had been in. I argued with God again because I had enough other circumstances I could talk about without mentioning my abortions, yet my abortions was what I felt like He wanted me to mention. I passed when it was my turn to talk and continued to argue with God. In the end, I talked about my past, including my abortions. It was unbelievable to me what happened next. One of the women opened up and shared that she too had an abortion several years ago and was still beating herself up over it. If I hadn’t obeyed God and shared, this woman wouldn’t have either.
Over the next several weeks, I began to feel that God wanted me to share about my abortions with my sister, Bonnie. She is my twin and best friend. Talking to Bonnie about my abortions was my biggest fear. I was afraid she wouldn’t want me in her life if she knew the truth about me. I didn’t think I could bear to go through life without Bonnie, knowing the reason why she wasn’t there was my own fault. I prayed and asked several other people to pray too. I contacted Bonnie and we picked the day. I planned to take her to The Garden of Hope in Grand Rapids, MI. It’s a garden dedicated to those that have had an abortion.
Someday I will learn that arguing with God doesn’t work. But I spent several days doing just that and asking Him to show me that talking to Bonnie was really the right thing to do. One day she and I were talking over the internet about the day we were going to Grand Rapids. She asked several questions about what we were going to do and where we were going to go. Finally, I told her that there was something I had to tell her and the perfect place to tell her was in Grand Rapids. The next thing she said was God’s answer of reassurance to me. Bonnie said that no matter what I told her, she would always love me no matter what. After that conversation, I was still nervous, but I knew that God was in control and would take care of my sister’s reaction.
May 6th came all too quickly. One of the women in my group from the DeColores weekend offered to come along. I knew that having someone else along was a good thing or I might have talked myself out of it. Bonnie would have wondered why we drove all the way to Grand Rapids to go to McDonalds for lunch. It was a long stressful trip for me. I prayed a lot on the way. We arrived at the Garden of Hope and as we started walking down one of the paths, Bonnie put her arm around me and said she loved me. There is a statue there of Jesus sitting with a woman and holding her hand. Jesus is also holding her baby and looking at the woman with love and forgiveness. Its in front of this statue that I gave Bonnie a letter telling her about my abortions. She read it and hugged me. She said that she figured that was what I was going to tell her....probably because of the many hints I had dropped in the previous weeks.
The following week, a local christian radio station was having their world’s biggest baby shower. Friday of that week, they were at the Pregnancy Care Center. Tammy had asked me to share my testimony on the radio. I was terrified when she first asked me. She told me to pray about it. I thought “Pray about it? See what I end up doing when I pray about it? Right!” But sure enough, I was there. It was the longest two minutes ever. But the cool thing was that the DJ from the radio station had also gone through two abortions.
Two verses that have helped me through the dark times is Isaiah 43: 1-2 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
It’s the scariest thing to share with someone about your past. But you never know who you may help or encourage by sharing where you have been and what God has brought you through. Each time I’ve talked about my past, the wounds heal a little more and talking about it isn’t quite as painful. God continues to use my past to bring glory to Him and to stretch me to be the person He wants me to be.
At one point when I was overwhelmed by how God was wanting to use me and I kept calling it a conspiracy (which it isn’t), Jane gave me the following to read. This is by Nelson Mandela.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is not that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves,
“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. Your “playing small” doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the GLORY OF GOD that is within us. IT’S NOT JUST IN SOME OF US; IT’S IN EVERYONE. AND AS WE LET OUR OWN LIGHT SHINE, WE UNCONSCIOUSLY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Matthew 5:14-16 says:
“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on it’s stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”
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